I've always said that marriage and parenthood (and, I'd venture, having callings in church) are things that cause us to see/face our demons. We all have them. Things about us that we don't love, that we consider weaknesses, that come up and rear their ugly heads at times. These are things we don't seem to face as easily (or recognize as easily) in other facets of our lives, but seem to come to the surface, or even become magnified in relation to those people we love most, who deserve our best rather than the worst they sometimes get!!
I had an interesting experience tonight that gave me a glimpse at one of my many imperfections. Flower child was the mirror for that tonight, unfortunately. She began taking gymnastics when she was 3, and had lots of fun. Later she really wanted to take ballet, and when she got into the older gymnastics class and they stopped doing obstacle courses, and bubbles etc. and began focusing on form and skills, she wanted to quit gymnastics and do ballet. It's been a few years now, and Little Bug has begun gymnastics, and as a result Flower Child has informed me she doesn't like ballet anymore and wants to do gymnastics again. So, trying to teach her to consider consequences, think out her plans/desires, and not be quick to quit things, I told her I wanted her to observe the class she'd be taking to remind herself what it would be like, and make an informed, and less emotional decision.
So, Bug hurt herself and I was trying to get her to stop crying in the hallway while Flower Child was observing the class. After about 10 minutes she joined us in the hall and wanted to watch the swimmers in the pool instead. I REACTED in a rather intense way (which I'm still trying to understand), that if she gets bored watching it for only 10 minutes how can I believe that she'll enjoy the class and not just want to quit again. I was feeling stressed about other things, but I really reacted to this situation. I spent the next 15 minutes there, on the way to the car, and on the way home lecturing her. As I was listening to myself talk to her I kept feeling a subtle, "this doesn't feel right", and "why is this such a big deal", and "what is this really about", and "she's only 7 years old"!
Well, the rest of the drive home I was not feeling good about things. I was thinking about how some of what I said sounded like I was making unkind judgements, that don't even fit for someone as young as her, and that I perhaps cut her down, or could be hurting her self-esteem. I realized that I was projecting some of my own negative tapes onto her, and I was feeling really bad about it. I decided I would have a talk with her at home. So, I did.
I told her I wasn't feeling good about our conversation, and I wanted to know what she thought, and how it made her feel. She shared with me that she was confused about why it was such a big deal, and that it made her feel sad that I might not let her do what she was wanting to do unless she changed some things about herself. I asked her if I made her feel like she wasn't good enough. She said yes. I apologized to her, and told her I didn't quite understand my own reaction, and that I never want to make her feel that way, and I asked her to explain the ballet/gymnastics situation to me so I could understand better. She brought up some reasons and feelings that I hadn't considered, and that we hadn't discussed before, and I was able to tell her a concern I had. We were able to work it out. It was good. I concluded our conversation by asking her if she would tell me if I'm ever making her feel like she's not good enough, because sometimes I can do that without realizing it, and I don't want to do it. I told her she is good enough, and that I love her and think she's a wonderful girl.
I'm still not totally clear on what specific thing triggered this demon (some kind of character flaw I have used to flog myself before, no doubt) and I will continue to work on trying to figure that out, but I recognized the "making someone feel like they're not good enough". It's a struggle for me to feel like I'm good enough, and I project that onto others sometimes. I don't want to do that anymore. Hopefully, being aware of it and trying to talk it through and make amends when I make that mistake is a good start. I just wish the people I'm supposed to love and nurture the most weren't the ones that suffered from my demons along with me! I don't want to pass the demons onto them! That is what haunted me on the way home, vision of Flower Child as an adult woman feeling not good enough. Hopefully I can learn how to send her messages of unconditional love, acceptance and belief in herself that will counteract the mistakes I have made/do make. I suppose it's also never too late to learn to do that for myself as well!! Here's to battling demons, and winning!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
CLOUDS BIG WITH MERCY
In preparing for a church assignment I came across a hymn I'm less familiar with. There's a line in it that speaks to me (Hymn 285 God Moves in a Mysterious Way). Verse 2 says, "Ye fearful Saints, fresh courage take; The clouds ye so much dread are big with mercy and shall break in blessings on your head".
The topic for tomorrow's lesson in Relief Society is Faith and Trust in Jesus Christ. This is an interesting image to me, as I think about faith. The clouds in my life may be frightening, but perhaps they are "BIG WITH MERCY". If I truly have faith, or am trusting of the Savior I can be sure of His mercy, and not be scared. I can rely on his ability to succor and strengthen, and even change me. This is something I want to know better.
My friend has a decorative tile at her home that reads something like, " doubt looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up". I want to be able to look up. And when I look up, and see clouds, I want to have faith in the Lord's mercy.
The topic for tomorrow's lesson in Relief Society is Faith and Trust in Jesus Christ. This is an interesting image to me, as I think about faith. The clouds in my life may be frightening, but perhaps they are "BIG WITH MERCY". If I truly have faith, or am trusting of the Savior I can be sure of His mercy, and not be scared. I can rely on his ability to succor and strengthen, and even change me. This is something I want to know better.
My friend has a decorative tile at her home that reads something like, " doubt looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up". I want to be able to look up. And when I look up, and see clouds, I want to have faith in the Lord's mercy.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
I Know I'll Laugh About It Later
So I recognize that there are times in life that you don't enjoy at the moment, but will laugh at later on..... Earlier this week Bug, who is 4, decided to cut her own hair! I know that's when you're supposed to get out your camera, take a photo and laugh about it. I was a little bit upset instead. Bug is noticed for her long hair, and I have thought she looked so cute.
The complication is that she is supposed to be a flower girl at her uncle's wedding in less than 2 weeks, and her hair on one side no longer reaches to be put in a ponytail anymore! That complicates the hair-doing capabilities, especially for her fine straight hair that doesn't hold a curl or stay put very well.
Not really a big deal, in the grand scheme of things, just a little sad. The upside is that she didn't hack it off right on the top, and right at the scalp! I guess asymmetrical hairdos are kinda trendy!!!! Perhaps she is a budding beautician! Anyway, it's somewhat fixable. I think I'm ready to laugh now.
The complication is that she is supposed to be a flower girl at her uncle's wedding in less than 2 weeks, and her hair on one side no longer reaches to be put in a ponytail anymore! That complicates the hair-doing capabilities, especially for her fine straight hair that doesn't hold a curl or stay put very well.
Not really a big deal, in the grand scheme of things, just a little sad. The upside is that she didn't hack it off right on the top, and right at the scalp! I guess asymmetrical hairdos are kinda trendy!!!! Perhaps she is a budding beautician! Anyway, it's somewhat fixable. I think I'm ready to laugh now.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Growing Up is Hard To Do
This past week I was visiting my brother and his fiancee. The conversation somehow came around to the topic of how things were when my parents divorced. I was around 13 years old, and he was about 7 and he took it really hard. So did everyone involved, just in different ways. He doesn't remember a lot and he asked me what I remembered, since I was older at the time.
We spent over an hour talking about family, and growing up, our parents, our own struggles, and theirs, etc. Having spent some time in the last year or so rereading my own journal from that time, and one of my mom's from the year she was pregnant with him, I recalled difficult feelings I had, and challenges my parents faced just being adults/spouses/parents. I read, with some pain and sadness, the attempt at expression of my insecurities and my worried, confused feelings.
I think in any child's life there is likely to be an experience that is difficult to process. One that causes emotions that the child is unfamiliar with, or that are too strong to know how to deal with. I think many children have experiences that break their heart, or cause them to grow up faster than they might have otherwise. These memories brought up those feelings for me.
As I've thought about my conversation with my brother for the last few days I've pondered on the realization that growing up is hard to do. It entails all kinds of challenges like trying to understand the world and the people around you, learning life lessons, making mistakes, betrayal of friends, hurt feelings, searches for identity and beliefs, having people in your life do things you don't have any control over, watching people you love go through hurt, and all kinds of having child emotions in a grown up world. It can be hard to be a child in a grown up world. Heck, it can be hard to be a grown up in a grown up world!
My conversation with my brother ended up in a marvel that, looking back, in most cases we wouldn't change or trade the difficulties we experienced growing up because of the lessons in them. We can see now things we gained, skills we honed, discoveries made that have become part of who we are, that we would perhaps not have had otherwise. Hindsight can be 20/20, and you can come to a place where you realize that you are grateful for your challenges. (Speaking specifically of parents, we realize too that we have a completely different perspective on our parents than we did as children. It's much easier to understand/forgive/appreciate them).
Today my kids are 7 & 4. I see them trying to make their way in their world. I see them trying to learn how to have friendships, and work through the hurts that social connections inevitably bring. I see them trying to process feelings of life not being fair, (and that's often connected to me and consequences I impose etc.). As many times as I want to complain to them about how easy they have it as kids, compared to how tough it is to be the grown up, I want to keep in mind that growing up is hard to do. I want to treat them gently, because they will go through their own growing pains as well. It's all part of each person's journey. I want to remember.
We spent over an hour talking about family, and growing up, our parents, our own struggles, and theirs, etc. Having spent some time in the last year or so rereading my own journal from that time, and one of my mom's from the year she was pregnant with him, I recalled difficult feelings I had, and challenges my parents faced just being adults/spouses/parents. I read, with some pain and sadness, the attempt at expression of my insecurities and my worried, confused feelings.
I think in any child's life there is likely to be an experience that is difficult to process. One that causes emotions that the child is unfamiliar with, or that are too strong to know how to deal with. I think many children have experiences that break their heart, or cause them to grow up faster than they might have otherwise. These memories brought up those feelings for me.
As I've thought about my conversation with my brother for the last few days I've pondered on the realization that growing up is hard to do. It entails all kinds of challenges like trying to understand the world and the people around you, learning life lessons, making mistakes, betrayal of friends, hurt feelings, searches for identity and beliefs, having people in your life do things you don't have any control over, watching people you love go through hurt, and all kinds of having child emotions in a grown up world. It can be hard to be a child in a grown up world. Heck, it can be hard to be a grown up in a grown up world!
My conversation with my brother ended up in a marvel that, looking back, in most cases we wouldn't change or trade the difficulties we experienced growing up because of the lessons in them. We can see now things we gained, skills we honed, discoveries made that have become part of who we are, that we would perhaps not have had otherwise. Hindsight can be 20/20, and you can come to a place where you realize that you are grateful for your challenges. (Speaking specifically of parents, we realize too that we have a completely different perspective on our parents than we did as children. It's much easier to understand/forgive/appreciate them).
Today my kids are 7 & 4. I see them trying to make their way in their world. I see them trying to learn how to have friendships, and work through the hurts that social connections inevitably bring. I see them trying to process feelings of life not being fair, (and that's often connected to me and consequences I impose etc.). As many times as I want to complain to them about how easy they have it as kids, compared to how tough it is to be the grown up, I want to keep in mind that growing up is hard to do. I want to treat them gently, because they will go through their own growing pains as well. It's all part of each person's journey. I want to remember.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Sometimes I Just Need a Little List Therapy
So, Ryan laughs at me because I am a self-proclaimed queen of list-making. Somewhere close by me you will usually find a pad of lined paper that I use until there are no more clean sheets, at which time I will replace it with a new notebook (that feels a little like Christmas every time!). In this notebook I make lists of things I need to do, and, in between those, grocery lists. I've pondered my list-making tendencies (maybe it's something many people do, and not out of the ordinary?), and I have come to the conclusion that I use this technique for 3 major reasons:
1) So I have previous menus and grocery lists to recall things I need, don't need or have put off for too many weeks in a row
2) So I can get things out of my mind, down on paper, and don't forget. This helps me to feel calmer, too, I think because it lightens my overloaded brain a bit (I think/process way too much)
This is particularly helpful at bedtime so that I go to sleep easier
3) This is therapy for me. I think I use it to show myself that I did accomplish something that day. Sometimes, when I've done something that wasn't on my list I'll add it, just so I can have the satisfaction of crossing something off the list. Then, other times, like tonight, I'll make a separate list and in minute detail I'll write down everything I did during the day just to show myself that I am taking care of things, and am being productive.
I know it's probably silly to need a list to build my self-esteem....I think one of the hardest things about becoming a mom (particularly a stay-at-home one) for me has been, and still is, that I panic at the lack of structure. I had no idea that would be an issue. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EACH MINUTE OF THE DAY? HOW DO I KNOW HOW MUCH TIME WITH THE KIDS IS ENOUGH, HOW MUCH HOUSEWORK IS ENOUGH, AND IF I'M DOING WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE? I get freaked out!
This probably isn't an issue for everyone out there. I think it's compouded with a nasty little tendency to think I'm supposed to do things perfectly, a lack of self-discipline, the tendency to withdraw when I'm overwhelmed, a propensity to want time to myself and difficulty following through with doing things that feed my creative desires/nurturing needs. Man, I'm a mess!!!
Anyway, I cope by making lists. In fact, I think I'll go make one now! And if we have an emergency, and need to make a fire to cook with, or provide warmth, my lists will help keep it burning for a loooong time! (Maybe I should plant a tree to compensate for all the paper I've used)!!
1) So I have previous menus and grocery lists to recall things I need, don't need or have put off for too many weeks in a row
2) So I can get things out of my mind, down on paper, and don't forget. This helps me to feel calmer, too, I think because it lightens my overloaded brain a bit (I think/process way too much)
This is particularly helpful at bedtime so that I go to sleep easier
3) This is therapy for me. I think I use it to show myself that I did accomplish something that day. Sometimes, when I've done something that wasn't on my list I'll add it, just so I can have the satisfaction of crossing something off the list. Then, other times, like tonight, I'll make a separate list and in minute detail I'll write down everything I did during the day just to show myself that I am taking care of things, and am being productive.
I know it's probably silly to need a list to build my self-esteem....I think one of the hardest things about becoming a mom (particularly a stay-at-home one) for me has been, and still is, that I panic at the lack of structure. I had no idea that would be an issue. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EACH MINUTE OF THE DAY? HOW DO I KNOW HOW MUCH TIME WITH THE KIDS IS ENOUGH, HOW MUCH HOUSEWORK IS ENOUGH, AND IF I'M DOING WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE? I get freaked out!
This probably isn't an issue for everyone out there. I think it's compouded with a nasty little tendency to think I'm supposed to do things perfectly, a lack of self-discipline, the tendency to withdraw when I'm overwhelmed, a propensity to want time to myself and difficulty following through with doing things that feed my creative desires/nurturing needs. Man, I'm a mess!!!
Anyway, I cope by making lists. In fact, I think I'll go make one now! And if we have an emergency, and need to make a fire to cook with, or provide warmth, my lists will help keep it burning for a loooong time! (Maybe I should plant a tree to compensate for all the paper I've used)!!
Lesson to be Learned from Kids
The other day I took Bug and her friend to McDonald's for lunch. The girls entered the play area, and I heard a little boy who was already in there yell at them, "Get out of our house"! Remaining calm, (which I'm not always), I waited to see how it would play out. Bug and her friend came out and said, "They won't let us play in there"! (In the meantime, I'm wondering who the child's parent/guardian is, and why they don't tell the boy that is rude). I respond, "Go tell him it's for everyone, and that he needs to share". The boy exits the slide then and the girls go up to him and say, "It's for everyone"! The boy says, "OK"! Then one of the girls says, "Wanna play with us"? And they all run off to play, best friends for the duration of the visit!
No harm, no foul. If only as adults we could work out problems, accept others' opinions and join together so easily/freely. Ya gotta love kids! Sometimes they have it right!
The other day I took Bug and her friend to McDonald's for lunch. The girls entered the play area, and I heard a little boy who was already in there yell at them, "Get out of our house"! Remaining calm, (which I'm not always), I waited to see how it would play out. Bug and her friend came out and said, "They won't let us play in there"! (In the meantime, I'm wondering who the child's parent/guardian is, and why they don't tell the boy that is rude). I respond, "Go tell him it's for everyone, and that he needs to share". The boy exits the slide then and the girls go up to him and say, "It's for everyone"! The boy says, "OK"! Then one of the girls says, "Wanna play with us"? And they all run off to play, best friends for the duration of the visit!
No harm, no foul. If only as adults we could work out problems, accept others' opinions and join together so easily/freely. Ya gotta love kids! Sometimes they have it right!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
RANT
Have you ever had a time when you were dumbfounded at someone's gall, or rudeness.....or a time when one comment from another person just laid you flat! I had one of those today. This is not a happy, life is good post, I'm sorry to say. So, skip this one if you don't want to hear my whining!!!
I was leaving a restaurant today and before I noticed it Bug ran across the (not busy) street to our car. I was trying to say goodbye to some family, and was waiting for a family member. We crossed the road and joined Bug (who was on the sidewalk next to the car) and a car passed by. The man in the car said, shaking his head at me, "I can't believe you let that little girl cross the road all by herself". It caught me so off guard! It took me a few seconds to even realize I was being reprimanded (by a total stranger). Now, I'm not saying it's a good idea to let your kids cross the road by themselves, of course, but did he think I did that on purpose???? Yeah, I let my kids play on the freeway too, and I'm so glad there are smart people like him to help all us incompetent ones make it through each day! (OK so I'm still frustrated!! Sorry!). I always think of sarcastic responses waaay after it's too late to give them, and that's probably a good thing! I just stood there, feeling slapped in the face.
I'm embarrased to admit I cried on the way home, and thought things like, 'he doesn't even know me', 'what does he know about my mothering skills' etc. I threw myself a pity party interspersed with bouts of anger. It was fun!!!
I'm not happy with that stranger, but I'm also not happy at how easily I seem to get rattled. I was having a good day, and then BAM! One comment seems to take me hours or days to get over! I hate feeling that emotionally vulnerable! I don't seem to possess that ducklike ability to just let things roll off my back! If you combine that weakness with problems with perfectionism, hypervigilant sense of 'justice' or hypersensitivity and you've got something toxic! Like, somehow, this stranger's opinion of me should mean anything to me! It's not my business what someone else thinks of me! My value, as well, has nothing to do with that other person. So, to quote one of my aunts from her childhood, "DUMB POOPY, DUMB POOPY, DUMB POOPY"! (I think that's kind of like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in a situation that makes you mad).
My mom shared a thought with me one time that was from a book she was reading. It goes something like this: what comes out of someone else's mouth reveals much more about them than about you. I should meditate on that principle for a while.
I think I'm closer to being able to let it go now. Lesson to self: don't put your nose in other people's business, or think you have any right to judge or correct them. You never know how your words might affect someone else, and it's pretty high-and-mighty to think you can appoint yourself the expert of someone else's life! I'll try to remember that myself! AND don't give other people power over your happiness or sense of self-worth.
Whew! That was a lot of exclamation points. I think I'll try to calm down now. And just to send some good out there, "You (whomever may read this) are doing a great job! Keep it up"!
Have you ever had a time when you were dumbfounded at someone's gall, or rudeness.....or a time when one comment from another person just laid you flat! I had one of those today. This is not a happy, life is good post, I'm sorry to say. So, skip this one if you don't want to hear my whining!!!
I was leaving a restaurant today and before I noticed it Bug ran across the (not busy) street to our car. I was trying to say goodbye to some family, and was waiting for a family member. We crossed the road and joined Bug (who was on the sidewalk next to the car) and a car passed by. The man in the car said, shaking his head at me, "I can't believe you let that little girl cross the road all by herself". It caught me so off guard! It took me a few seconds to even realize I was being reprimanded (by a total stranger). Now, I'm not saying it's a good idea to let your kids cross the road by themselves, of course, but did he think I did that on purpose???? Yeah, I let my kids play on the freeway too, and I'm so glad there are smart people like him to help all us incompetent ones make it through each day! (OK so I'm still frustrated!! Sorry!). I always think of sarcastic responses waaay after it's too late to give them, and that's probably a good thing! I just stood there, feeling slapped in the face.
I'm embarrased to admit I cried on the way home, and thought things like, 'he doesn't even know me', 'what does he know about my mothering skills' etc. I threw myself a pity party interspersed with bouts of anger. It was fun!!!
I'm not happy with that stranger, but I'm also not happy at how easily I seem to get rattled. I was having a good day, and then BAM! One comment seems to take me hours or days to get over! I hate feeling that emotionally vulnerable! I don't seem to possess that ducklike ability to just let things roll off my back! If you combine that weakness with problems with perfectionism, hypervigilant sense of 'justice' or hypersensitivity and you've got something toxic! Like, somehow, this stranger's opinion of me should mean anything to me! It's not my business what someone else thinks of me! My value, as well, has nothing to do with that other person. So, to quote one of my aunts from her childhood, "DUMB POOPY, DUMB POOPY, DUMB POOPY"! (I think that's kind of like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in a situation that makes you mad).
My mom shared a thought with me one time that was from a book she was reading. It goes something like this: what comes out of someone else's mouth reveals much more about them than about you. I should meditate on that principle for a while.
I think I'm closer to being able to let it go now. Lesson to self: don't put your nose in other people's business, or think you have any right to judge or correct them. You never know how your words might affect someone else, and it's pretty high-and-mighty to think you can appoint yourself the expert of someone else's life! I'll try to remember that myself! AND don't give other people power over your happiness or sense of self-worth.
Whew! That was a lot of exclamation points. I think I'll try to calm down now. And just to send some good out there, "You (whomever may read this) are doing a great job! Keep it up"!
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