I've always said that marriage and parenthood (and, I'd venture, having callings in church) are things that cause us to see/face our demons. We all have them. Things about us that we don't love, that we consider weaknesses, that come up and rear their ugly heads at times. These are things we don't seem to face as easily (or recognize as easily) in other facets of our lives, but seem to come to the surface, or even become magnified in relation to those people we love most, who deserve our best rather than the worst they sometimes get!!
I had an interesting experience tonight that gave me a glimpse at one of my many imperfections. Flower child was the mirror for that tonight, unfortunately. She began taking gymnastics when she was 3, and had lots of fun. Later she really wanted to take ballet, and when she got into the older gymnastics class and they stopped doing obstacle courses, and bubbles etc. and began focusing on form and skills, she wanted to quit gymnastics and do ballet. It's been a few years now, and Little Bug has begun gymnastics, and as a result Flower Child has informed me she doesn't like ballet anymore and wants to do gymnastics again. So, trying to teach her to consider consequences, think out her plans/desires, and not be quick to quit things, I told her I wanted her to observe the class she'd be taking to remind herself what it would be like, and make an informed, and less emotional decision.
So, Bug hurt herself and I was trying to get her to stop crying in the hallway while Flower Child was observing the class. After about 10 minutes she joined us in the hall and wanted to watch the swimmers in the pool instead. I REACTED in a rather intense way (which I'm still trying to understand), that if she gets bored watching it for only 10 minutes how can I believe that she'll enjoy the class and not just want to quit again. I was feeling stressed about other things, but I really reacted to this situation. I spent the next 15 minutes there, on the way to the car, and on the way home lecturing her. As I was listening to myself talk to her I kept feeling a subtle, "this doesn't feel right", and "why is this such a big deal", and "what is this really about", and "she's only 7 years old"!
Well, the rest of the drive home I was not feeling good about things. I was thinking about how some of what I said sounded like I was making unkind judgements, that don't even fit for someone as young as her, and that I perhaps cut her down, or could be hurting her self-esteem. I realized that I was projecting some of my own negative tapes onto her, and I was feeling really bad about it. I decided I would have a talk with her at home. So, I did.
I told her I wasn't feeling good about our conversation, and I wanted to know what she thought, and how it made her feel. She shared with me that she was confused about why it was such a big deal, and that it made her feel sad that I might not let her do what she was wanting to do unless she changed some things about herself. I asked her if I made her feel like she wasn't good enough. She said yes. I apologized to her, and told her I didn't quite understand my own reaction, and that I never want to make her feel that way, and I asked her to explain the ballet/gymnastics situation to me so I could understand better. She brought up some reasons and feelings that I hadn't considered, and that we hadn't discussed before, and I was able to tell her a concern I had. We were able to work it out. It was good. I concluded our conversation by asking her if she would tell me if I'm ever making her feel like she's not good enough, because sometimes I can do that without realizing it, and I don't want to do it. I told her she is good enough, and that I love her and think she's a wonderful girl.
I'm still not totally clear on what specific thing triggered this demon (some kind of character flaw I have used to flog myself before, no doubt) and I will continue to work on trying to figure that out, but I recognized the "making someone feel like they're not good enough". It's a struggle for me to feel like I'm good enough, and I project that onto others sometimes. I don't want to do that anymore. Hopefully, being aware of it and trying to talk it through and make amends when I make that mistake is a good start. I just wish the people I'm supposed to love and nurture the most weren't the ones that suffered from my demons along with me! I don't want to pass the demons onto them! That is what haunted me on the way home, vision of Flower Child as an adult woman feeling not good enough. Hopefully I can learn how to send her messages of unconditional love, acceptance and belief in herself that will counteract the mistakes I have made/do make. I suppose it's also never too late to learn to do that for myself as well!! Here's to battling demons, and winning!
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