RANT

Have you ever had a time when you were dumbfounded at someone's gall, or rudeness.....or a time when one comment from another person just laid you flat! I had one of those today. This is not a happy, life is good post, I'm sorry to say. So, skip this one if you don't want to hear my whining!!!

I was leaving a restaurant today and before I noticed it Bug ran across the (not busy) street to our car. I was trying to say goodbye to some family, and was waiting for a family member. We crossed the road and joined Bug (who was on the sidewalk next to the car) and a car passed by. The man in the car said, shaking his head at me, "I can't believe you let that little girl cross the road all by herself". It caught me so off guard! It took me a few seconds to even realize I was being reprimanded (by a total stranger). Now, I'm not saying it's a good idea to let your kids cross the road by themselves, of course, but did he think I did that on purpose???? Yeah, I let my kids play on the freeway too, and I'm so glad there are smart people like him to help all us incompetent ones make it through each day! (OK so I'm still frustrated!! Sorry!). I always think of sarcastic responses waaay after it's too late to give them, and that's probably a good thing! I just stood there, feeling slapped in the face.

I'm embarrased to admit I cried on the way home, and thought things like, 'he doesn't even know me', 'what does he know about my mothering skills' etc. I threw myself a pity party interspersed with bouts of anger. It was fun!!!

I'm not happy with that stranger, but I'm also not happy at how easily I seem to get rattled. I was having a good day, and then BAM! One comment seems to take me hours or days to get over! I hate feeling that emotionally vulnerable! I don't seem to possess that ducklike ability to just let things roll off my back! If you combine that weakness with problems with perfectionism, hypervigilant sense of 'justice' or hypersensitivity and you've got something toxic! Like, somehow, this stranger's opinion of me should mean anything to me! It's not my business what someone else thinks of me! My value, as well, has nothing to do with that other person. So, to quote one of my aunts from her childhood, "DUMB POOPY, DUMB POOPY, DUMB POOPY"! (I think that's kind of like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in a situation that makes you mad).

My mom shared a thought with me one time that was from a book she was reading. It goes something like this: what comes out of someone else's mouth reveals much more about them than about you. I should meditate on that principle for a while.

I think I'm closer to being able to let it go now. Lesson to self: don't put your nose in other people's business, or think you have any right to judge or correct them. You never know how your words might affect someone else, and it's pretty high-and-mighty to think you can appoint yourself the expert of someone else's life! I'll try to remember that myself! AND don't give other people power over your happiness or sense of self-worth.

Whew! That was a lot of exclamation points. I think I'll try to calm down now. And just to send some good out there, "You (whomever may read this) are doing a great job! Keep it up"!

Tonight is one of those nights that I've lost my temper and don't exactly feel like mother of the year, (not that I would ever go so far as to call myself that!). Sooooooo...I think I'll write about something that made me smile the other day. I was still in bed, pretending I didn't need to wake up, and the first conversation of the day I heard was:

Bug: (giggle) Dad, look at kitty! She was rolling over. (More enthusiastic laughing). She was going side to side. I hope she 'do s' it again!
Ryan: Maybe kitty should join cat gymnastics!

So I just laid in bed kind of giggling to myself at how the simplest things cause joy in the lives of kids, and how they are able (some) to wake up happy and not wake up feeling like the weight of the world is on their shoulders. I was also thinking about how easily Ryan connects with that playful side. He doesn't just tolerate their silliness and games, he joins in. Perhaps Heavenly Father drew us to each other for things like that....so I can see an example of playfulness and lightness. Glad I married him. Glad I'm a mom of my girls (even if tonight wasn't a great example of that)!

Living vigorously: with physical or mental strength or active force.

I was once counseled to live vigorously. There are many times I feel devoid of vigor, but I desire to live more intentionally than I sometimes have. I think life is vigorous in and of itself, so to act and not just be acted upon necessitates that I live vigorously. The phrase carries a feeling of life and vitality, energy. Most days I could use a little more energy!

Earlier this week we were having Family Home Evening and were talking about various things related to prayers, promptings from the Spirit, and practicing listening to those promptings. I brought up the topic of Flower Child's baptism next year, and learning to listen to the Holy Ghost etc. She then asked what I thought was a pretty mature question for a 7 year old, "What do we do after we are baptized? Because we can't get baptized again!". We then had a sweet conversation about the atonement, and the Savior and how Heavenly Father and Jesus love us, and know we will make mistakes, so they provided a plan for us. (Those conversations don't just occur all the time! It's exciting when your child asks you a spiritual question that they really want to understand!).

Flower Child then related what she knew about the war in heaven, and following Heavenly Father's plan. Then she said something that made me smile and choke up a bit, "Nobody can do something perfect at first". So true, that is why life is a process, that's why we have a Savior! I felt a sense of nurture in that comment. I err on the side of being hard on myself (and in consequence, her) too often. I needed to be reminded of the gentle nature of a loving Heavenly Father who knows making mistakes is part of the process, not the bitter end! OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES! I sure love the gentleness, pureness and lightness of truth!

So to sum up, I am in a place where I desire to treat myself and others with more gentleness, and at the same time live vigorously, purposely, presently and happily! Thus, this blog is an outlet for me to process and record thoughts and experiences that my family and I have in the course of living vigorously! To quote a line from a book I liked (referring to being scared to ride an elephant) "You just get on the beast and ride!". I want to ride, and enjoy the ride!