RANT
Have you ever had a time when you were dumbfounded at someone's gall, or rudeness.....or a time when one comment from another person just laid you flat! I had one of those today. This is not a happy, life is good post, I'm sorry to say. So, skip this one if you don't want to hear my whining!!!
I was leaving a restaurant today and before I noticed it Bug ran across the (not busy) street to our car. I was trying to say goodbye to some family, and was waiting for a family member. We crossed the road and joined Bug (who was on the sidewalk next to the car) and a car passed by. The man in the car said, shaking his head at me, "I can't believe you let that little girl cross the road all by herself". It caught me so off guard! It took me a few seconds to even realize I was being reprimanded (by a total stranger). Now, I'm not saying it's a good idea to let your kids cross the road by themselves, of course, but did he think I did that on purpose???? Yeah, I let my kids play on the freeway too, and I'm so glad there are smart people like him to help all us incompetent ones make it through each day! (OK so I'm still frustrated!! Sorry!). I always think of sarcastic responses waaay after it's too late to give them, and that's probably a good thing! I just stood there, feeling slapped in the face.
I'm embarrased to admit I cried on the way home, and thought things like, 'he doesn't even know me', 'what does he know about my mothering skills' etc. I threw myself a pity party interspersed with bouts of anger. It was fun!!!
I'm not happy with that stranger, but I'm also not happy at how easily I seem to get rattled. I was having a good day, and then BAM! One comment seems to take me hours or days to get over! I hate feeling that emotionally vulnerable! I don't seem to possess that ducklike ability to just let things roll off my back! If you combine that weakness with problems with perfectionism, hypervigilant sense of 'justice' or hypersensitivity and you've got something toxic! Like, somehow, this stranger's opinion of me should mean anything to me! It's not my business what someone else thinks of me! My value, as well, has nothing to do with that other person. So, to quote one of my aunts from her childhood, "DUMB POOPY, DUMB POOPY, DUMB POOPY"! (I think that's kind of like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in a situation that makes you mad).
My mom shared a thought with me one time that was from a book she was reading. It goes something like this: what comes out of someone else's mouth reveals much more about them than about you. I should meditate on that principle for a while.
I think I'm closer to being able to let it go now. Lesson to self: don't put your nose in other people's business, or think you have any right to judge or correct them. You never know how your words might affect someone else, and it's pretty high-and-mighty to think you can appoint yourself the expert of someone else's life! I'll try to remember that myself! AND don't give other people power over your happiness or sense of self-worth.
Whew! That was a lot of exclamation points. I think I'll try to calm down now. And just to send some good out there, "You (whomever may read this) are doing a great job! Keep it up"!
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When others feel the need to "correct" my mothering like that I get rattled, too, and dwell on it much longer than I should. I think about it all day; what I could have said in response; what made him think he had the right; etc., ad nauseum. I think it's harder to let go of when it's a complete stranger judging as opposed to someone who actually knows you and you can talk to them about the situation.
ReplyDeleteWe had a very similar situation a while ago when Peanut about ran in front of a car and I grabbed her arm and yanked her back. She fell to her bottom on the ground and cried because I'd scared her. A lady passing by audibly gasped and gave me the dirtiest look. I was so bugged by her response and thought, I'd rather rip my kids arm out of socket than watch her get hit by a car when I could have done something and she has no right to judge me. Dumb but I dwelled on it the rest of the day.
I'm sorry that mans's remark put a black cloud over your day. If it's any consolation I think you're a great mom. Your cute girls are well behaved and you take good care of them. I'm glad we got to see you yesterday.
Hi Friend! Since I don't know if your blog is anonymous like Hairyshoefairy's or if it's not, I won't use your real name for now.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you started a blog! HSF told me about it last night and I had fun reading your posts this morning. I love your writing! I love the way you tell a story.
I'm sorry about the guy in the parking lot. Sadly, those things happen sometimes. I'm sorry to say, I still remember two or three (or 10 or 20) of those thoughtless comments from when my kids were young. There's only one that really makes me crazy and mad after all these years! I think it must be human nature to let things like that get under our skin. So you want to hear my story I can't let go? Here it is:
When the kids were pretty young, Rick was in the Bishopric. I was the ward organist, so every Sunday Rick would sit on the stand, (by himself, I might add!) and I would distribute the kids around to friends in the ward. When the sacrament was over I would gather them all up so we could sit together during the talks, then pass them all out again for the rest song, then gather them all up again, then pass them all out for the closing song and postlude. It was OK, but certainly not ideal. Then along came Tina, and I told Rick one day that I should probably not be the organist anymore since the baby probably shouldn't be passed around so much. Seemed reasonable to me! So Rick talked to the Bishop, who graciously released me and called someone else. OK...this story's long, but stay with me...Anyway, This woman had 4 children who were about 10,8,6,and 4. Her husband worked every other Sunday, so on those days she passed her kids around to ward members, just like I had for a couple of years. She lasted 6 months. One day she came over, crying about how hard it is to be the organist with her kids, her every-other-week husband, blahblahblah. Then she said, "I think it's so awful of your husband to call me to this position when he knows it means I have to pass my kids all over the ward every other week." Ummm...do you remember who you're talking to Lady? And then..."So, I think you should be the ward organist again." So I said, "Well, it's hard for me too. Rick is on the stand EVERY WEEK and one of my kids is a baby!" And she said, "Oh, I know. But it's not the same for you. You don't mind passing your kids off. But my kids are special and I just won't do it anymore!"
So there you go. My story of lingering anger. Hope you enjoyed it! :)
Wow, Marie! I can't believe people sometimes!!!! I'm mad in your behalf!!!
ReplyDeleteI think we all have moments we relive over and over. It's part of the human experience.
ReplyDeleteAny time, recently, I find myself in that internal dialog loop I try and stop myself short and refuse to continue out the "conversation". It was SO hard at first, it still is, but I've noticed it hurts less and less.
You are a wonderful mother and your girls and I know it!